Are You Wearing the Right Labels?

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Before you get too excited and rush out to the nearest boutique to update your wardrobe, I'm not referring to fashion labels, sorry ladies! :) I'm talking about personal labels.

You see, the way we see ourselves influences the way we act and relate to other people. If you're always putting yourself down, even in a joking way, your subconscious may well start to believe what you're saying about yourself. 



Let's look at a simple example. If you tell yourself: "I have no self confidence", then that becomes the label you wear. In most situations you'll probably feel intimidated, even if you do have the knowledge and necessary skills to handle what's happening. The strange thing is when people don't believe they can do something they seldom even bother to try. It then becomes a vicious cycle that compounds their feeling of uselessness and erodes away all confidence. 



A small exercise that I like to do with clients at this point is to ask them to write their life story as label, using only six words. It's an interesting and very enlightening exercise. Here are some examples of what some of my clients have come up with in the past:

  • "Failed Lawyer finds Motherhood spectacularly fulfilling"
  • "Left a Legacy. Leaving a Legacy"
  • "Dawdled through my twenties. Now flying"
  • "Through taking chances my life advances"
  • "Tired of struggling, have no choice"

The first four give you a sense of people on a journey; they are going somewhere and enjoying the ride! The first one in particular shows that although at one point she felt like a failure, she now is thoroughly enjoying a new phase in her life. Her career is less important and is no longer a label she wears.

 

The last example is one of the most demoralizing I have ever heard. That's not just a label, that's more like wearing a lead coat :/ It's a prime example of how what we believe about ourselves can have a huge impact on how we live our life.

 

We all at some point in time experience challenges, and I'm not trying to gloss over them, they are real and they are often tough. But regardless of the circumstances we always have a choice. That choice is how we view ourselves in light of the circumstances. After working with this lady for a while she rewrote her label. It read: "Seeing the light, work in progress". It's still a very honest appraisal of where she's at in life, but it's one that is filled with hope, rather than despair, or resignation.

Now back to you, here are some pointers for finding out what labels you are wearing, and if they need changing.

  • Take some time out with a note pad and create your personal label. Remember to keep it to just six words. It should describe your life and how you feel about it.

  • Next, read the label back to yourself and then ask how it makes you feel? Would you be proud to share your label with friends and family? Is it one that puts a smile on your face and a spark in your step? Or does it make you feel dragged down?

 

  • If your label is one that drags you down, you are going to work at creating a new and more positive label. We both know that no matter how you feel about your life, somewhere there are amazing talents and skills just lurking below the surface. We want to use them to help you start living a life that is more energized and vitalized. 

 

  • So using the example of the lady before, try rewriting the label. It doesn't have to be a designer label that doesn't sit right with you, but neither should it be bargain bin! How might you reword it, so it fills you with hope and a positive outlook?

Remember that your label describes what you feel about yourself, and characterizes how you live out your life. You want it to be one that gives you hope and makes you feel positive, gives you credibility and zest. So work on it until it becomes something you are proud to wear!

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Confidence Bank Account

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Everyone who has a money bank account knows how difficult it is to keep it balanced. Often we can manage to withdraw more than we put in which obviously isn’t a good thing. In the same way our emotions tend to operate like a bank account. If we’re constantly taking in negative thoughts and criticisms we’re making lump sum withdrawals which leave us feeling empty inside. Alternatively compliments, encouragement, affirmations and positive thoughts are like deposits which can boost our confidence account.

So how is your confidence bank account doing? Here’s a simple exercise to help you evaluate where you are at.

Take a sheet of paper and make two columns. On one side write down all the things you don’t feel confident about doing. On the other side make a list of all the things that you do feel positive about. Next on a scale of 1-5 rank each item, with 5 being the greatest impact on your life and 1 being the least. (Impact = how much you care about it/think about it/dwell on it).

What are your scores looking like? From my experience – and I’ve worked with many women using this exercise – I’ve often seen that the scores in the negative column outweigh the scores in the positive column. For some reason, women have a tendency to downplay the things we're good at (even though we do them every day) and give much more weight to the things we are not good at.

Here’s an example: In your positive column you may have written down that you feel confident when you interact with your kids, yet only gave this a ranking of 1, as you feel its no big deal – its just what you do and you don't give it much thought.

In your negative column you may have that you feel intimidated when you speak to your boss/friend/significant family member and gave this a ranking of 5.

Looking at this from another perspective, how many times a week do you play and interact with your kids, in comparison to how often do you speak to this other person? My guess is that you play and interact with your kids significantly more than you have to engage and interact with the person you’ve got low confidence with.

Can you see how as women we down play the important things and elevate others that are less so? In this way we are making larger withdrawals and smaller deposits from our confidence bank account. We need to change that around!

Let’s go back to the example. Playing with your kids every day and feeling good about it deserves a ranking of 4 or 5 not 1. Your time spent together is strengthening your relationship with your kids. You’re helping them to learn, explore, trust and build their own confidence and esteem. What could be more important than that?

Now, building a good relationship with your mother-in-law/boss/friend is also important, but should it be carrying more weight in your confidence bank account than time spent with your kids?  Perhaps you should be stressing about it a little less and giving yourself more credit – literally – to the things you are confident about. It’s amazing that when your confidence is boosted in one area of your life, it filters to the other areas.

Here are a few ways that you can start to do to top up your confidence bank account:

  • Sit down and make your list of positives and negatives in terms of your confidence. Rank them 1-5 in terms of how much you think they impact your life. Then sit and have a hard look at which points ranked highest. If you’re honest the negatives probably shouldn’t all be ranked that high
  • Keep your list and make an effort to bring down the rankings on your negatives and increase the rankings on your positives. The list should be dynamic, you can add to it, and you may even find some negatives turn to positives.
  • Don’t overlook the small things that you do for your family, friends or at work, thinking they are unimportant. Anything you do which makes a difference – however small – is valuable. Be confident in your ability to do that! You’re amazing!

Be careful how much weight you give to negative areas of your life and how often you’re withdrawing from your confidence bank account. If you constantly focus on them you’ll eventually start to feel you can’t get anything right. Rather focus on the areas you are confident in, even if they are small, and build on that.

So start depositing – and get your Confidence Bank Account in the black!

 

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